Why We Don’t Recommend Answering When a Man Asks, “So What Are You Looking For?”

A common question that you may encounter from a date is “So, what are you looking for?”

Unless you are Lindsay from the Bravo reality TV show Summer House, you probably already know better than to answer “Engagement. Marriage. Babies.”  (Lindsay, reach out to us, we can help you date more effectively.)

But reality TV stars aside, did you know that answering this question poses a hidden danger?

If you answer this question, you are providing a man with a blueprint for deception, if he happens to be of that stripe. (And early on, you can’t know for sure whether he falls into that category or not, so best to avoid giving too many clues about your soft spots early on.)

For example, if you answer “I’m looking for a man who is really family-oriented, honest, and who loves children.” Now the guy knows that he can win your heart by filling your head with stories that emphasize what a great family guy he is, how honest he is, and how much he loves children. You may be shocked to later observe that he isn’t speaking to his parents, lies to his boss, and sits back with a beer instead of being bothered to help mind the nieces and nephews at the family barbeque.

What to do instead? Don’t reveal the criteria you are looking for. Instead say something vague and non-substantive like “Oh, hmmm, what am I looking for… hmm, I’m looking for… gosh, I guess I haven’t given it a lot of thought. How about you?”

Watch the man’s actions over time and silently compare it to your criteria of family-oriented/honest/loves children (or whatever your criteria may be). His actions will be about 100 times more accurate of an indicator of whether he meets your criteria than what he tells you with words.

The old saying “less is more” applies when it comes to revealing your hand about what you are looking for in a man. Don’t spell it out for him, and you’re less likely to be hoodwinked by someone trying to pull the wool over your eyes. Date smart, take your time, and keep your cards a little close to the vest in the beginning. If he’s really a great guy, you will find that out in time.

- Coach Cori at the Love Academy for Women

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