Never Point Out Your So-Called Flaws to a Man – Instead, Radiate Confidence

As a dating expert, I advise women never to point out their so-called imperfections to men. Instead, radiate confidence. The truth is that men and women both are drawn to confident people.

It might be helpful to explore why some women feel compelled to point out their so-called flaws to men in the first place. In my opinion, this is rooted in how women relate to each other. When women engage with one another (in friendships, standing in line at the grocery store, etc.), sometimes there is a dynamic that is almost confessional. Women sometimes bond over commiserating over shared frustrations and problems ("I could barely fit into my jeans this week!" for example, to which another woman might reply "Oh I hear you, I think everyone is struggling with Covid weight gain."). So when one woman is seeking to bond with another woman, sometimes she will demonstrate vulnerability by sharing her challenges, weakness, or frustrations. In many cases the other woman will respond with kind words of affirmation or understanding along the lines of “Oh I know what you mean! Me, too! This one time (story of something similar happening to her)...”  Whether rightly or wrongly, many women associate sharing of this sensitive information with bonding, intimacy, or closeness.

Men on the other hand, do not bond this way. Men are primed by social conditioning (whether rightly or wrongly) to avoid showing weakness. If you treat your time with a man you don’t know well as a confessional session, you may be surprised to find that it does not bring you closer. Instead of feeling more bonded to you,  a new guy may find you less attractive if you point out your (perceived) flaws. He may also mistakenly view what you’ve shared as a weakness.  Worse yet, he may see it as an opening to take advantage of that vulnerability in some way at some point in time down the road.  If he’s a bad guy (and remember that in the early stages you may not know that yet), he may file away what you’ve shared for future reference and use it against you in the future as a weapon in the next argument. This is why we suggest you get to know him well before disclosing anything vulnerable.

So what to do? If you feel the need to share sensitive information about what you perceive as your flaws, call a female friend and vent to her. She will understand. When it comes to getting to know men, it’s important to bring your most confident self to the table in the early stages (even if you have to “fake it until you make it.”)  This allows you to get to know a man slowly, before you’ve revealed anything sensitive.  It's far more advisable to radiate confidence in the early stages of dating, and limit vulnerable topics to trusted people who are already in your circle (which does not include a man you've being talking to only for a few weeks.) Remember, when it comes to dating, slow and steady wins the race. There is always time to reveal sensitive subjects later once the relationship is more established, but if you blurt something tender out too early, there is no way to take it back and you may live to regret sharing that information with someone who didn't deserve your trust. 

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- “Coach Cori” McGraw at the Love Academy for Women